Those Words from A Parent That Saved Us when I became a First-Time Parent
"In my view I was merely trying to survive for a year."
Ex- Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of being a father.
However the truth quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.
Severe health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her main carer as well as looking after their infant son Leo.
"I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.
Following nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he required support.
The simple phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You require support. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and start recovering.
His situation is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mothers and about PND, less is said about the challenges new fathers face.
'It's not weak to ask for help
Ryan believes his struggles are linked to a broader failure to communicate among men, who continue to hold onto negative notions of manhood.
Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."
"It isn't a display of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.
Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're struggling.
They can believe they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the household.
Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to take a pause - spending a couple of days away, away from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.
He understood he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.
When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.
Reparenting yourself'
That insight has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.
He's now composing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he grows up.
Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and make sense of his parenting choices.
The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.
As a child Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.
Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the pain.
"You find your way to substances that don't help," he notes. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."
Tips for Coping as a New Father
- Share with someone - when you are under pressure, confide in a friend, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
- Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
- Look after the body - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, resting, all are important in how your mind is faring.
- Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
- Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your family.
When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.
In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional support he lacked.
When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.
The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.
"I have improved at… sitting with things and managing things," explains Stephen.
"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I think my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."
