Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
